Connor Wickham has joined Palace so we get the thoughts of Chris Thompson from the excellent Sunderland fanzine A Love Supreme, who seems a tad frustrated at the striker's lack of development in the North East.
The year is 2015.
Society has collapsed upon itself and Britons are enslaved by Greg Dyke and the Premier League. The UK is a bubble of engineered news, with Lad Bible the primary source for world affairs. Instead of communicating in lexicon, humans lift weights at each other and grunt, a communicative grunt. Government leaders aren't made in universities, they're made in Pure Gym.
A footballer is not measured by his skill or accomplishments, but by the volume of his quiff and the amount of visible skin that he has left on his forearms. He has no time for training, only tweeting about training, the coverage much more rewarding than the actual act.
By far the most esteemed professional footballer is Connor Wickham. Wickham has surpassed Ryan Giggs' record of winning 12 Premier League titles by gaining over 31,000 followers on Instagram. Connor is also a pioneer in time management - having pre-cut vegetables delivered to his home each week has saved him literally minutes of his day. He has also slept with at least one member of the cast of ITV2's 'The Only Way Is Essex', which has not only increased his profile globally but also secured him an invite to the prestigious resort of Marbella. Wickham is, by all means, a visionary, a pioneer.
On the pitch though, Wickham lets his feet do the talking: netting a staggering 15 goals in 91 appearances. Wickham has a very independent, DIY approach to the game, often hanging onto the ball until he is tackled, even though the obvious pass would be far easier; Wickham never takes the easy option, which shows great character and mental strength. His ability to have a jumping height lower than his actual standing height is another impressive element to Connor's game.
Wickham is genetically superior to most men, having developed at a young age to surpass the strength and athletic ability of his peers. By the age of 19 though, Wickham decided to stop trying, he considered his physical advantage unfair and hence settled with his current ability to level the playing field. His lack of drive or motivation to better his ability as a professional footballer comes not from laziness, stupidity or having distorted priorities, but out of respect for his fellow tradesman. Perhaps the crown jewell of accomplishments though is that Wickham has established himself as the least popular striker in a Sunderland side that contains an overtly Newcastle supporting Danny Graham.
In his own mind, Wickham is the best player in the world, and his genuinely superior physical attributes - blistering pace, bison-like strength, sledgehammer shots - suggest that he probably could be, but he never will be. Call it lack of motivation or lack of footballing intelligence, all that can be agreed upon is that Wickham lacks something very important, whatever it may be.
Palace are getting an extremely gifted and talented player who could easily score 20 goals a season, but he won't, and that is a huge shame for all involved.